December 12th

I don't want to forget

I woke up sad

Thinking it might end

and after our conversation

I had no doubt

Our relationship was on the table

and it was going to come to and end

As I lay in my mixed despair and desire

I cried out

I told the Lord that if there was any way

Any way, at all, that He could restore this

I wouldn't doubt His desire again

I never thought it'd be possible

I never thought He could come through

I was overwhelmed with deep despair

but i got up

I heard the point

the proof of true love is choice

I saw it wasn't only up to Him

But up to us as well

We were supposed to talk

and time went on

I slept and was awaken by your call

we went to meet

but fulfilled our commitment to bringing lunch to a friend

and in the midst

we saw His plan

A plan that had us together

A plan that glorified Him amidst the ministry

together

It was like He made it new

He showed us how we are to do

We forget ourselves

and serve others

and then we are His

Doing what He's called us to do

It seemed so right

He clarified and showed us the light

My fear though is that is won't last long

That we will be back in that place once again

Will is even carry through to tonight?

Hard things...

It seems like He called us

It seems like it has been all of His plan

But now you make me wonder

Being your friend has always been

Listening and learning from you is perfect

But it hasn't been until now that I felt the love come back

But now I wonder... is that even right?

Maybe He's called me to give and not receive

Maybe His plan is hard and not easy.

Where to now...

So I see it now

I see some reasons for this place

My Daddy is gone now

He has finally finished his race

So where to now

Was that the only reason for this time and place

Are there more you desire for me to do

You removed me from my heart ministry

over and over again

So where to now

Is there even more you have

Do I even have a purpose

I felt like I had

I saw You work and move

is it done

just here

or everywhere

i just want to know

where and how to go

I'm not sure why something like this take me to a place like this

I don't like it

I don't want it

I just want to check out

be done

go on my own

run

I will give him up for You

I know You've asked me to give him up

and I am willing

its just hard

I feel alone in this

in this life

I know You are with me

You say

If you love Me

If you fear Me

You would give it all to Please Me

I say

There are so many things I love about You

So many reasons I could hate You

So many things I don't understand You do

But I'll give him up for You

Lord, I know you are good

but I feel like at times I have hard time expecting that

I know in my mind this is probably true

but I don't always see the greater outcome

I need You

I need You more than ever

I don't want to do this life without You

But I want to fully LIVE this LIFE the way you called me to

I'm tired of slowing down and waiting

I don't want to be here waiting and wanting

I want to go

I want to be

I want to live for You

Give it all to You

Hold nothing back

Wait for nothing of my own desires

Then you take me to this place

This slow pace place

You keep me from the dream You give me

Bring me here

I know some reasons, but I'm still waiting for more

Those reasons are done

And yet I still remain

This ideas and passions begin to fade

Each day I'm here

I feel like you hold me back from the place You've told me to go

I no longer even go there in my heart

I don't know if I want to anymore

I become more and more content

And yet still soooo anxious inside

This has nothing to even do with him... it has to do with me

Unsure

I seem like I always come to this place... a place of confusion and question

I don't understand

Why? Why do we have to depend on other people?

Why? Why do we have to get attached?

Why? Why do we have to get hurt?

I know that pleasure comes from these as well, but I'm not sure where to stand.

Lost

So as you can see by the title I feel a little lost at the moment
I'm not sure why
I know in my head everything that is true
that God is good
that He has everything under control
and even tonight the lord answered our prayers with sending us a worship leader for camp
but not everything feels that way
I know that we can't go on our feelings... but they are real
I don't know where I'm going
Every time I feel like I get an idea of where to go ro what to do it ends
and honestly I feel like the lord ends it
all of my dreams and aspirations are gone
every time i get an email talking about the middle east- it makes me sick
i feel like there is no where to go
and even if there was it would be wrong anyway

i just don'r know
whatever happened to passion?
and dreams...

purpose?

As much as I "know" what my purpose is
I fee like I get farther and farther from fulfilling it
i'm stuck
i'm lost

everything i though to be good and right
is gone or dying
i'm sick of it

but there is nothing else to do
but just keep going
step by step
morning by morning

Lord?
I'm just asking you do something...
I'm empty and ugly
and just done

in all honesty i'm giving up
i don't know what else to do

October 17th at 4:10pm

So I thought it was all you
I thought you were just being a jerk
I thought you somehow created this image of me
That became this terrible villain in your eyes
But then I realized

You're not the only one in control

I'm not talking about my choice in the matter
It totally had left my hands
When you shrugged and ignored me
As I stood at your window
Longing for some peace and reconciliation

As I walked back to my feelings of desire
A desire to be close again
The flood poured down
And somehow I felt I would never be the same

As I cried out I heard a voice
He wiped away my tear
I was the one being turned away now
But He had been turned away for years

Since then I tried to ignore
I tried to repress any thought
The memories that would come
I reprimanded each and every one

I began to think of others
Of effects and changes in them too
Then it hit me, stronger than ever
We have all been better off without you

At first I cringed at the very idea
Was this an outpouring of bitterness?
Against the friend I love so much

But you see it was this place
He had wanted me to come to all along
He wanted me to see
The influence that you had one me

It had never before been so clear
Now I realize I gave you credit for doing what He had planned
I can't explain it all- sovereignty I guess
But now I know it wasn't you... it was Him

He's opened my eyes
To see again
The very thing that was beginning to get between me and Him
Was you

So, I don't know when I will talk to you again
I'm not the one trying to avoid you
But I want you to know

I'm not the same one who stood outside your window
I won't be begging for forgiveness
I haven't been thinking about you every minute

He's finally allowed me to let go...

It's not in your hands
Or in mine
And there's no guarantee of a good response
Things have changed

I've let go...