i'm sick
deep down sick
depressed in a sort
don't freak out
i'm not going to kill myself
this is not a plea for pity
but far from it
i just need to get out
out of this lazy stupid mindset
i know it is not me
i though fasting was supposed to be good
spiritually
but i don't feel that way
maybe i rely too much on feelings
i don't know
i don't understand why i feel like this
when people ask if i'm ok i think i am
atleast why shouldn't i be
i live in one of the best atmouspheres in the world
with an incredible soft bed and education
it makes me sick to think of it
i hate it
why do i have all this
its not fair
at the same time i don't want to leave it
i love it
but i don't feel like anything is being accomplished by it
i don't feel like i am making any world impact
and if i'm not what is my purpose here
i know i'm here for a reason... right?
i just hate it
i want to leave
i want to make a difference
i want to be where i can do
i miss my mom
she is sick for real... she couldn't breathe today
and yet i sit here
saying well... i'm praying for her
did i say i hate this
cuz i do
when will be the real deal happen
when will life be
when will i love the loveless and bring hope to the hopeless
when will i live
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
I was bummed
Last night we did this fiesta literature night for some kids from a school. IT didn't really go how we wanted it to, and I didn't really see very much benefit from it all, so ask God- what was the purpose... I put a lot of time and money into something that was crappy... why?
THis is what I read this morning in My Upmost for His Highest byb Oswald Chambers
The DESTITUTION OF SERVICE
"Though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved."
2 Corinthians 12:15
Natural love expects some return, but Paul says- I do not care whether you love me or not, I am willing to destitute myself completely, not merely for your sakes, but that I may get you to God. "For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor." Pauls idea of service is exactly along that line- I do not care eith what extravegence I spend myself, and I will do it gladly. It was a joyful thing to Paul.
The ecclesiastical idea of a servant of God is not Jesus Christ's idea. His idea of a servant of God is that we serve Him by being the servants of other men. Jesus Christ out-socialists the socialists. He says that in His Kingdom he that is greatest shall be the servant of all. The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing disciples' feet, that is, doing the things that do not count everything in the estimate of God. Paul delighted to spend himself out for God's interest in other people, and he did not care what it cost. We come in with our economical notions- "Suppose God wants me to go there- what about the salary? What about the climate? How shall I be looked after? A man must consider these things." All that is an indication that we are serving God with a saint in his life, viz., not one who proclaims the Gospel merely, but one who becomes broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for other lives.
So long as there is a human being who dies not knowing Jesus Christ I am his debtor to serve him until he does. The mainspring of Pauls service was not for the love of men, but love for Jesus Christ. If we are devoted to the cause of humanity, we shall soon be crushed and broken-hearted, for we shall often meet with more ingratitude from men than we would from a dog; but if our motive is love to God, no ingratitude can hinder us from serving fellow man.
THis is what I read this morning in My Upmost for His Highest byb Oswald Chambers
The DESTITUTION OF SERVICE
"Though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved."
2 Corinthians 12:15
Natural love expects some return, but Paul says- I do not care whether you love me or not, I am willing to destitute myself completely, not merely for your sakes, but that I may get you to God. "For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor." Pauls idea of service is exactly along that line- I do not care eith what extravegence I spend myself, and I will do it gladly. It was a joyful thing to Paul.
The ecclesiastical idea of a servant of God is not Jesus Christ's idea. His idea of a servant of God is that we serve Him by being the servants of other men. Jesus Christ out-socialists the socialists. He says that in His Kingdom he that is greatest shall be the servant of all. The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing disciples' feet, that is, doing the things that do not count everything in the estimate of God. Paul delighted to spend himself out for God's interest in other people, and he did not care what it cost. We come in with our economical notions- "Suppose God wants me to go there- what about the salary? What about the climate? How shall I be looked after? A man must consider these things." All that is an indication that we are serving God with a saint in his life, viz., not one who proclaims the Gospel merely, but one who becomes broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for other lives.
So long as there is a human being who dies not knowing Jesus Christ I am his debtor to serve him until he does. The mainspring of Pauls service was not for the love of men, but love for Jesus Christ. If we are devoted to the cause of humanity, we shall soon be crushed and broken-hearted, for we shall often meet with more ingratitude from men than we would from a dog; but if our motive is love to God, no ingratitude can hinder us from serving fellow man.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Arise from the dead...
We all have a number of visions and ideals, but sooner or later we find we have no power to make them real. We can't do the things we long to do, and we are apt to settle down to the visions and ideals as dead, and God has to come and say
"Arise from the dead."-Eph. 5:14
God does not give us overcoming life. He gives us life as we overcome. WE must take the initiative! He told the man with the shriveled hand to stretch it out, and only when he took the initiative did his hand heal.
"Arise from the dead."-Eph. 5:14
God does not give us overcoming life. He gives us life as we overcome. WE must take the initiative! He told the man with the shriveled hand to stretch it out, and only when he took the initiative did his hand heal.
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