sick

i'm sick
deep down sick
depressed in a sort
don't freak out
i'm not going to kill myself
this is not a plea for pity
but far from it

i just need to get out
out of this lazy stupid mindset
i know it is not me

i though fasting was supposed to be good
spiritually
but i don't feel that way
maybe i rely too much on feelings
i don't know

i don't understand why i feel like this
when people ask if i'm ok i think i am
atleast why shouldn't i be

i live in one of the best atmouspheres in the world
with an incredible soft bed and education
it makes me sick to think of it

i hate it
why do i have all this
its not fair

at the same time i don't want to leave it
i love it

but i don't feel like anything is being accomplished by it
i don't feel like i am making any world impact
and if i'm not what is my purpose here

i know i'm here for a reason... right?

i just hate it
i want to leave
i want to make a difference
i want to be where i can do

i miss my mom
she is sick for real... she couldn't breathe today
and yet i sit here
saying well... i'm praying for her

did i say i hate this
cuz i do
when will be the real deal happen

when will life be

when will i love the loveless and bring hope to the hopeless

when will i live